It's like it's a joke, but no one is laughing.

Today I had a very emotional, and very overwhelming phone call with an individual. I will not state their name, because their story is not mine to share... however if given the opportunity I will gladly add their story to my book Black December. Their story not only adds emphasis to my story, but it also adds credibility.

Their story proves that a glass warrant conducted on a Trooper, will NOT 100% of the time produce a confession. Whereas another Trooper testified, falsely within my case, that you will 100% of the time, no if's, and's, or butt's about it, you will get a confession - this other victim's story proves that is entirely false. The Trooper that testified to that false information solely did so to protect a friend of theirs, and for no other reason.

I took matters into my own hands tonight and attempted to get in contact with the investigating Trooper (because Alaska has Troopers investigate their own, I know, fucking weird... Texas DPS, Oregon State Police, Washington Patrol, and California Highway Patrol all thought so too, don't worry). I was told that my name was given as the name of a witness and that the investigating Trooper (Sergeant) knew me based on my prior employment with the same department... and because of a book, Red March, that I wrote.

This fucking Trooper (Sergeant) denied knowing who I was and began talking about something else. I explained to him, who I was, how he could have potentially known me, and then what I wanted to talk to him about. For example, Intro, content, and argument - like any report should be written. He bypassed all of that and went directly into how I could have possibly known him and began asking if I wanted to make a report on someone else. Like, boy, did you not just read the fucking message?

No? Well, then I clarified. I stated, no, I don't know you either, and no, I don't want to talk to you about that individual because I already have an approved No Contact Order against them and there is nothing you can do to help me... except talk to me about why I am contacting you in the first place. So, I irritated that fact to him, and then he played dumb.

THIS IS WHY VICTIMS DO NOT REPORT.

You make it so fucking hard to even communicate with anyone. I ended up saying that I will just communicate with the prosecution because that conversation was fucking painful. I believe, 100% that I became way more emotional and sad than I needed to be though, because of my history with this department and them not contacting witnesses regarding my crime. I felt emotional because I saw this same thing happening to someone else, and it pissed me off and made me extremely sad for this other victim.

I 150% do not trust the majority of people there anymore. I believe there are a few good ones, and those ones I remain friends with from my time employed there... but this interaction was exactly why I am glad I am not there anymore. Granted, I couldn't stay because of my rapist threatening my safety, but finally, I feel relieved about not being there. This shit will just CONTINUE HAPPENING.

It's like it's a joke, but no one is laughing.

I understand their perspective, they just ask questions with no real training on mental health and psychology. Therefore, they do not understand the kinds of questions that need to be asked, and when. I have schooling and my major is in psychology, so it frustrates me that individuals with less training are in these positions. They just ask, hoping to get a response. I get it, but it will 100% of the time make me go to someone else that actually understands what I am talking about and not just trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Law enforcement, 1000%, needs training on how to handle individuals in stressful times. Not just how to de-escalate, but also how to just be a decent fucking human being and understand that a person that comes to you likely already knows what they want to talk about... so, don't ask stupid questions. Just let them speak.

This was why I was going to just send an email, and hope to God that I never get a response. Because all I needed to do was give him the information, without the fucking stupid games. It is not this Trooper (Sergeant)'s fault... it's the training he was given by that fucking department, and it is sad.

I also have 3 days until I see my rapist again, the person that started me thinking down this path in the first place. So, honestly, it could all just be stress. I am not okay, I am not handling seeing him again well, and I will only talk about it when I am ready to do so - but that time is not now.