Countdown to Seeing My Rapist Again

It is a 7-day countdown, and I am on day 6. I hate to be THAT person that is counting down the days to a terrible event, but I cannot help but do it. I want it done and over with NOW.

On day 7, I struggled. I took extra care to ensure I practiced self-care, prioritized spending quality time with my child, and drank lots of water before and after the gym.

I have to say, I am very proud - I am nearly back to running every day again! That is a big accomplishment. A lot of times after a sexual assault survivors will try to dissociate from their bodies. Running was that for me, I didn't want to feel my body, and running made it so I felt everything. I hated that feeling, and it even took a very hard toll on me (I'll tell you about that later). I know in order to make running every day again a reality, that I must prioritize drinking more water regularly.

As I was laying down in bed last night, I even had the thought of becoming a vlogger. I mean, I nearly do it already through TikTok and then I post my TikTok videos on Youtube, Instagram, and Facebook. So, I'm close? Nah, not really. But I was so close to adding YET ANOTHER TASK to my to-do list.

Buuuuuuuuuuut

STOP

That is avoidance. Thank you, PTSD, for rearing your ugly head again. I continue to pile tasks on my to-do list until I am so overwhelmed that I cannot even breathe. I do this in an unconscious effort to forget about how I SHOULD be feeling - because I do NOT want to feel bad.

Day 7 was hard, and I even cried. Which is weird, even for me. I had just recently told a few friends of mine that I felt odd never crying when I most needed to. I did not cry when talking about bad events that happened to me, but then I remembered... a symptom of PTSD is to dissociate with the event. You can tell the story like it doesn't bother you... and it won't be until you are alone that the emotions of telling your story will surface. WHEN YOU FEEL SAFE YOU WILL FEEL SAFE TO SHOW YOUR EMOTIONS.

This was the exact thing that happened to me in 2020. I only cried twice during the telling of what happened to me. Once was when I cried to Benjamin Strachan, my best friend at the time, and his wife. Strachan was an Alaska State Trooper at the time, and he told me he wanted to report, but would do it in a way that kept my privacy.

I puked.

Literally. I threw up in their downstairs bathroom. The emotions bubbled to the surface so quickly that not only did I cry at their dining table, but I physically got sick.

The second person (well, persons) were my best friends, Jax and Autry. Which, this led to my eventual falling out with them because Jax was so incredibly upset with me about why I did not want to report - because I knew firsthand what would happen if I did report... retaliation... harassment... hell... fucking hell would happen. I then just wanted to stop talking about it and wanted space. I wanted them there, but I needed someone with that I could just express all of my feelings without being judged for not reporting right away.

After Jax and Autry said they did not know how to help me, and then continued to invite me to weekend-long events that were not kid-friendly (when they know I am a full-time single mom 100% of the time) that was my breaking point.

I stopped showing emotion because it put me in a vulnerable state, and all of the people closest to me wanted to report what happened. But I did not want to report, because I knew the hell it would bring - thus, I wanted to just focus on other things.

I instead began focusing on my application to be an Alaska State Trooper, myself, even though I had already made up my mind that I did not want to be a Trooper after the situation with Rex had happened. The sexual harassment.

I just wanted to be busy so that I would not have to face the reality of the events that I had just lived through. I WANTED to dissociate as far away from the rape as I could get. I wanted to act like my rapist never, ever, even existed. Foolish, girl.

I know.

So, now that brings us to day 6. Day 6 is where all of these feelings and thoughts and emotions come flooding back over me.

6 days until I have to see my rapist in court, AGAIN. All because he just simply could not help himself from contacting me, and mocking me.

One thing that I have learned about an individual that wears a uniform, is if you ever need protection from them... they will be in your life... FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

https://youtu.be/vCsQumjx3fo

That saddens me. As I think about April 18, and my fear of having to encounter my rapist again, I know for a fact that this is not done with. I know for a fact that he will not simply go away. He will do it again. I give it a year at max before he reaches out again.

https://youtu.be/ozwl4gb9u54

As day 6 dawns, I am up at 4 am again with the dread and fear of what April 18, 2022, will bring. Like, WHY could he not just have left me alone? What part of FLEEING A STATE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM makes it even somewhat appear as though I want to talk to him?!

That is fucking narcissistic behavior right there. "I just want to let you know that I got away with what I did, and I am just letting you know that I am still here."

He is a Trooper. A fucking dirty, nasty ass, criminal Trooper... employed by an agency that protects him. So, he knew DAMN WELL what he was doing.

It is almost like he gets enjoyment out of this as if this is a fucking game to him. Well, newsflash, I have now survived 10 years of domestic violence and have been a sexual assault survivor for the last 21 years. I don't fuck around anymore. He can go AWAY from me, and I hope that it is VERY CLEAR now that he is a fucked up individual and will not stop at ANYTHING to keep his victims afraid.

Gross.

All I know is that I can't wait until Black December releases, and it shares all of the gruesome details of what this individual has done WORD FOR WORD and what the Department did in response.