A Protective/No Contact Order is Very Similar to a Legal Will - No Real Protection
- Karmin Walker
- Apr 19, 2022
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 4, 2023
A topic that I feel is worth discussing, is why even bother with a No Contact Order, a Stalking Order, a Restraining Order, or any other type of prohibitive order? Why bother when abusers do not care if you have one in place or not? They will do what they want when they want, and they do not care about the consequences.
As long as they get to keep their career, they do not care. Only when it affects them do they care.
You know, for the longest time I thought the exact same thing. When I was married to my ex-husband I did not care about having a protective or no-contact order in place, because I knew that it would not matter. In fact, one time in 2013 when I had a Military Protective Order in place (granted by his command, without my request), he snuck home. AFTER BEING ARRESTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER AND FELONY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, while out on bail, this man decided it was in my best interest to remind me that he was not going to let me out of his sight.
Over the years, maybe ten restraining orders later (all of which were approved) between the Military, California, and Oregon... a piece of paper NEVER stopped him. In fact, "when a domestic violence victim gets a restraining order, an abuser will routinely violate them with no consequence," (Zavarise, 2021). Within that same article by Zavarise (2021), it was stated that victims and law enforcement officials commented that even when an abuser is caught violating an order... there are rarely any consequences for them. A FUNDAMENTAL FLAW OF THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM.
So, the question posed then is, why even bother?
As a lifelong survivor of abuse, the NUMBER ONE reason to continue to pursue justice is not to just continue being let down by the judicial system... but to leave a paper trail. Leave as much evidence as possible. Talk about it as much as possible. Report EVERYTHING. No matter how big or how small.
Working in law enforcement, and knowing the viewpoint of officers on the responding end... sometimes officers can be annoyed or confused why a victim would even want to report something so trivial and they may be hesitant to even write a report on something so small. If they refuse... just keep the documentation. I am doing so through the course of this blog, my social media, and my attorneys.
But this goes for victims, survivors, and law enforcement officers... DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. No matter how small it is. Because it is a paper trail. When this individual routinely violates an order or is eventually arrested for their crimes, or the survivor pursues the protective order... that is when an abuser is most likely to react in anger and lash out at a victim. This can appear in a variety of ways, physical violence, sexual violence (i.e., say you want to break things off with your boyfriend, and won't give in to having sex while you talk about the relationship... but they only want what they want and won't have it any other way), they will threaten to take custody if you leave... no matter what, they will be calculating a way to get the victim to come back (Kippert, 2021).
What this means, is if you are in need of a protective order or no-contact order... DO IT. Because even though they may violate it... and even though they may face no consequences for their actions of violating such an order... do it because of the fact that if anything ever happens to you, or your children... your abuser will be the first person that they would question.
Over the years I have compared a protective order to a will. Unfortunately. If something happens to you, there is a plan, there is a direction for your family. If something happens to you, and you have an order in place... bingo. Guess who is going away for murder? Yepp, your abuser.
Plan for the worst, and hope for the best.
I do not share this thought with you, with the intent of scaring you. I do so to shed light on such a horrible topic. ABUSERS get away with so much more than they ever should, and it costs many, many, many victims their lives. I have accepted this fact, and I have even come to terms with the fact that I could be killed by one of my abusers within my lifetime. Thus, the very reason why I document EVERYTHING.
I know it could happen, I take every precaution possible, and I document everything no matter how small and insignificant it may seem to someone else. It leaves a paper trail.
References:
Kippert, A. 2021. How Survivors Have Left an Abuser for Good. DomesticShelters.org.
Zavarise, I. 2021. For Domestic Violence Survivors, Restraining Orders Offer Little Protection.
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